What’s the big deal about investing your relationship with yourself?

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During a client coaching session this week I realised that in the Personal Development world we talk about ‘self-love’ and having a ‘good relationship with yourself’, and not everyone knows what we mean – and more importantly – why it is so crucial. We seem to know we should be self loving and its probably better to have a good relationship with yourself – right? 

“The relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have” – Robert Holden

I would take this concept a step further and say, your relationship with yourself is foundational for your experience of freedom & success in every area of your life.

I learnt this the hard way; I really learnt it when my marriage ended – I had been sacrificing myself and giving 150% to the relationship for so long, not considering what damage it was doing to me, thinking I could go on doing this for as long as it takes. It turns out I was wrong – it was unsustainable – and when it all came crashing down what was I left with…that’s right – MYSELF! The exhausted, depleted, uncertain, anxious sweet soul that tried so hard but didn’t invest deeply in my relationship with myself.

I lost so much during that time: my husband, my home, my job, my friends, so many possessions – it was a crazy amount of loss – which only highlighted that what I was left with was… me. I had to learn that I was enough, just me; that actually what made up much of the specialness in my marriage was also me, as I was the one putting in much of the effort & taking much of the responsibility – the love & shining light that felt so good and special was mostly a reflection of me, shining back at me.

It was for sure a spiritual experience in which there was no way I was getting out until I had learned this lesson: you MUST love yourself and you MUST nurture your relationship with yourself in order to create a strong, supportive platform from which to swan dive into the outside world, in all its glory and all its gore. I remember being in so much pain in the aftermath of the separation from my ex husband, trying to come to terms with it, looking in the mirror and thinking ‘there is no way out of this body – I am stuck here for the rest of this life – so I can either fight it/ try to escape it or I can deeply accept and love it’.

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When we have difficult feelings or difficult experiences we often try to escape ourselves, to exist somehow outside of or above our bodies and our current experiences. There is no way to escape ourselves really – try as we might with drugs, alcohol, addictions, numbing, eating, not eating – we have come up with ingenious ways to flee our feelings, to ignore messages from our bodies (our bodies do not lie!) and to impose our intellectual will on our spirit. But none of them are sustainable, none of them last forever and most of them are harmful at some point – so we are left with – as I realised – making a home here, feeling what I was feeling, listening to my higher self/ my inner voice – we are asked to build relationship with ourselves – just as we would with another person.

Going back to Robert Holden’s quote – how we talk to ourselves in our own heads matters, what we say about ourselves makes a difference to how we feel, our beliefs about ourselves shape our reality and how we treat ourselves is how other people will treat us. This is why it is essential we learn to love ourselves, not just at the weekend or on holiday, but everyday. As we nurture our relationship with ourselves, just as we would a loved one, by being supportive, encouraging, using gentle and loving words and being there to give you what you need – as only you can.

If we do decide to do the work to love ourselves, and don’t get me wrong it can be serious work and challenging at times, we set ourselves up for an exquisite internal & external experience. Not only that, but the more we are willing to give to ourselves, the more the universe will match our energy and give more to us, so the more your dreams will come true, the more abundance you will have (in any and every area). So that’s why it’s so essential to love our sweet selves, sounds pretty good right?

Image credits:

Pinterest.com & https://buddybits.com

Creating FREEDOM in your work life

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As we are dragging ourselves out of the Industrial Age – the age of 9 – 5 working days, of clocking in and out, of getting paid for your time – rather than your contribution – the words freedom and career really did not go hand in hand. How that has changed, even in the last 10 – 20 years – don’t you think? I’m sure you see the ‘freedompreneurs’ and ‘mumpreneurs’ etc. all over social media – the people who previously would have been stuck in the home with their babies, or tied to their desks, are now discovering ways to make a great income and have a wonderful lifestyle at the same time – financial freedom & time freedom. That is the magic combo isn’t it – often we can create more time, but at the expense of money – and vice versa.

Creating a life of freedom, including financial and time freedom, has been a major priority for me for the last decade or so, and I have tried lots of different ways to do that – some more successful than others! Before we get into the ‘how’ I would really like to talk about the unseen aspect of creating freedom in your work life (and your bank account) – your mindset. I think one of the elements that is the most resistant to moving on from the good old days of the Industrial Age is mindset. Let me explain:

Industrial Age mindset: I work for someone else who has more money, more knowledge and more power than me. I work hard for the pay check at the end of the month. I work hard during the week so I can relax and enjoy the weekends. This is what my parents did and what their parents did, if I keep working hard in my job I will eventually ‘qualify’ for a pay rise. aIt’s someone else’s responsibility to pay me and decide how much I get paid. Issues at work are someone else’s problem.

Freedom Lifestyle mindset: I work for myself because even though I may not have as much money, knowledge or power as that person, I am valuable and I can figure out how to get where I need to be. I work hard when I need to, taking actions in alignment with my dream for my life and my core values. I will do what I need to do work wise, while I work on building up what I really want to do. I don’t work for the weekend, I want to choose which days I work and which days I don’t work. I choose where I work and where I don’t work. All issues at work are my problem, the buck stops with me, and I figure out how to solve it. I choose how much I get paid and it’s up to me to bring that money in.

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Quite a huge difference isn’t there? I am not saying either one is wrong or bad – however I am saying if you can recognise yourself in the Industrial Age mindset that is 100% understandable – we have been bred, schooled and taught how to be good, pliable and submissive employees our whole lives, so well done – you have learnt exactly what you were meant to learn. This is why so often we need a radical mindset shift, including weeding out old beliefs and creating new freedom supporting beliefs, in order to step out of the traditional life path and choose the seemingly riskier other options.

If you are thinking, the freedom lifestyle sounds awesome, I want me some of that – you are not alone and excellent that you have identified that. Now you get go on the exhilarating, out of your comfort zone, sometimes scary, wildly fulfilling journey of designing your work life to be just the way you want it to be. This journey, like most, is not usually a straight line – there are twists and turns and 2 steps forwards followed by 3 steps back – but damn it’s worth it!

You know me, before you start rushing off to Google how to make your millions while sitting on the beach sipping cocktails – I want you to check in with your heart and tune into your imagination (which is very much a part of your intuition) to feel and visualise what your life of freedom looks like. What is important to you, what are your values around your work, what impact do you want to have. Then leap into action and see what exciting opportunities are out there – taking the step to be internally guided before you are bombarded by ideas and sales messages from the external world will help you to stay on your path, to choose what’s meant for you.

I am so excited for your journey and I would love to hear how you’re getting on – the successes and the failures – because I have had lots of both and they are both so valuable – you can 100% do this – you have everything you need.

If you would love to be coached by me, for £0, yes for FREE, as an Intuitive Life Coach and serial entrepreneur, I got what you need my friend…come and join myself and my gorgeous friend Life & Career Coach Jo Garside for our 3 Week Group Coaching Masterclass called – Upgrade the Shi**y Bits of Your Beautiful Life [And Feel Awesome in the Process]

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At home ‘rehab’ for anxiety & life trauma

Yup, you heard me right – rehab for anxiety & life trauma – that’s what we’re talking about.

There is no heroin in this story, but there is addiction. There is no horrifically shocking event, but there is anxiety & trauma. There are no visits to The Priory, but there is a cottage in the countryside with a cat.

At the end of 2018 I was seriously struggling, my anxiety levels were crippling and the Christmas period was one of the worst ever. Since the trauma of my marriage ending nearly 4 years ago, swiftly followed by a year in bed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I had been working hard on my healing and recovery. My nervous system was so strung out for so long (even before the end of my relationship), couple that with being an ambitious woman rebuilding my life from zilch/ zero/ nada and throw in a few more seriously challenging life events over the following years – and the result is a very messy, extremely anxious, struggling through each day version of me.

It was hard and it was horrible. I only really realised the extent of the spiral I had swung down over Christmas, so I went to my doctor in early Jan and asked for help – I wanted Diazepam (quick fix chill drug) and he said no (the correct answer, as it is very addictive). He also said come back in a month. Which at the time felt a little like I had been left out in the cold, literally, as it was the first week in January. Until I picked myself up, reminded myself I am an extremely talented and experienced Intuitive Life Coach with a huge box of excellent life skills & tools – so I embarked upon my own personal, self prescribed ‘rehab’ – and I am very pleased to tell you – it worked – a treat!

While my house in London was being renovated I moved into my Mum’s cottage in Oxfordshire = peace, time alone & space (not mention my actual Mum & Saintly Step-Dad) – perfect! I devised a programme to heal my hideous anxiety, build my physical fitness, feel good about myself & my life, develop much better boundaries & stop vaping – a little addiction I had fallen for as a much loved crutch through all the above. Now we are only 4 months on and how I was feeling, and my life choices then, feel like a lifetime ago – it literally feels like I was a different person, because in many ways I was. I was being overwhelmed by my trauma behaviours and a racing, fearful mind – whereas now I have shifted the balance so I choose how I feel, I choose what I do, I am the powerful creator of my life, not the helpless victim.

Here is a list of what my at home ‘rehab’ consisted of in those first few weeks and months:

  1. I stopped drinking alcohol for a period of time and read Sober Curious by Ruby Warrington – I had slipped into drinking regularly to numb my feelings – never a healthy place to be.
  2. I step-by-step reduced the nicotine in my vape until it was at zero, then I ran out of vape liquid one day and stopped completely. (This was over a period of months.)
  3. I created a very simple morning routine – starting small. The worst time for the anxiety was often in the morning, it would envelop me as soon as I woke up; thinking of all the negative & scary possibilities, what could go wrong and worries about the day ahead. I got into the habit of thinking from my Chronic Fatigue mindset – that I couldn’t get through the day, that each task was too big and tiring to surmount – and this was not my reality anymore, but my mind had not moved on from it – it was holding onto the pattern of trauma thought. My morning ritual allowed me to interrupt this habit & thought pattern and instead choose how I started each day. It included:
    • 5 mins meditation
    • 10 mins yoga
    • 3 things I am truly grateful for (no lip service here – gotta really feel it)
  4. I had weekly therapy sessions with a counsellor – this was vital to understand what patterns of behaviour and thought had contributed to my downwards spiral – and the support and space to express my feelings with no judgement.
  5. I created some very clear boundaries around areas of life that had been draining my energy and causing more trauma and pain.
  6. I shared my ‘rehab’ experience by spending time with trusted friends and family members – the inner circle.

Sounds fun right?! It wasn’t that fun, but it also wasn’t that hard either, I had lots of support and took each step slowly, bit by bit. Very quickly I started to feel the benefits of committing to my at home ‘rehab’, I started to push past my comfort zone a little more, each step forward I took gave me a bit more confidence, a bit more energy and bit more lust for life.

I share this with you to be vulnerable and show you that we all struggle, even if we keep it private at the time. Also to show that we all have what we need within us to heal and create the life experience we most want. I happen to have had thousands of hours of experience and knowledge this area – so I could DIY-this-shit-baby – but maybe you need someone to help you set up your healing programme. And you don’t need to be ‘sick’, the Doc can even send you away and you still might need a whole heap of healing, love and care – you can give it to yourself & you can ask for it from others. If I hadn’t fully committed to this programme, and many steps after the list above ended, I would be no further forward than I was in January, and I would probably have been prescribed some medication that I don’t really need.

Now I am doing so well – I am finally getting back to peak fitness – going to the gym 5/6 times a week – eating clean – no vaping – loving my work – loving my family & my peeps – lots of fun & travel. I have taken huge leaps forward in healing from my anxiety and moving on from my trauma patterns – it feels like FREEDOM and it’s awesome.

Sending love xx

 

 

 

 

Which of the ‘3 Kinds of Love Relationships’ have you had?

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I love reading articles about relationships, delving into info about romantic relationships is definitely the juiciest. Some time ago I read about the concept of the Three Loves we have in our lives and I like it, it certainly rings true for me – as in it’s the story of my love life! How does it fit with your romantic history?

The idea is the first love is a young love (I don’t think each of the three loves are connected to only one person, although that may be the case for you) ‘This is the naive kind of love, the impractical, movie-esque type of love.Nadia Makorova describes this kind of love as the one you see plastered all over social media, gushing about each other, wanting the relationship to appear magical and perfect to the outside world.

The second of kind of love is the hard love (who can relate?!?!). This is the love that teaches us the hard lessons that our souls have come to learn in this lifetime – and it hurts like hell! This love often involves emotional manipulation…’The second love is usually unbalanced and unhealthy and can be selfish and narcissistic. Due to these facts, there is almost always drama, and you become trained to think that it is your fault.

Can I get an ‘AMEN SISTA’ from all of you who can relate to this? Oh my, oh yes, 100%. And there’s more…’Yet, instead of giving up on the relationship, you hang on, thinking that one day suddenly everything will change and they will realise how desperately they love you. This emotional swing of extreme highs and lows is exactly what keeps us addicted to this kind of unhealthy relationship. We push through the lows, no matter how bad they are, to get a slight tingling feeling from those wonderful highs.’ I lived in this painful, wonderful, crazy second kind of love for years – this can be the long terms lovers, the husbands, the fathers of your children – it can get messy as all hell – but the lessons you need to learn about yourself will be burnt into you from the flames of this extreme type of love. It’s here that we learn what we need in relationship, and often in life. What we want from a partner, and what is unacceptable.

The third love is one we never expected and still can’t really believe is happening, is working and is so happy! Often this love is with a kind of person you have not dated before and it works surprisingly well, it just doesn’t end, there are no big issues, it’s easy and it mostly feels good – crazy right?!?! ‘Sometimes, you’re not happy. Sometimes, they are not happy. But that doesn’t mean that it is the end of the relationship. You come together with your unhappiness and try to solve it.’ And you do what it takes to resolve it. ‘Because that’s what love is, it’s making things work because you love one another and want to be together.’

This is the love I am in now and it is so different from the first and second, there is peace, there is space, there are grounded choices and there is grown up respect. It doesn’t have the magical thinking of the first, it doesn’t have the huge adrenaline rushes of the second, but it does have the consistency, care and tenderness that is required to build and nurture a beautiful, nourishing, awesome life.

I would like to add that just because someone was a first or second kind of love for you, that doesn’t in anyway take away from how you felt or feel about them. You may well love them deeply and cherish many things about them – which is wonderful! I think this framework helps us understand the purpose of the relationships we go through, and to show us where we might be on the journey. I also think you can have many second types of love, and perhaps some of us never get past the second, or even first type by reliving the same type again and again with different people.

Which of these kinds of love have you experienced, and what did you learn?

Image credit: www.southernliving.com
Quoted text: https://swoon.theodysseyonline.com/too-immature-for-marriage

Love and Loss

 

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Today is my birthday, a time for celebration, happiness and being showered with love by those around me. It’s beautiful. As I have experienced more years on this planet and more of the interwoven tapestry of life I have realised how closely happiness and sadness live to each other. How love and loss are two sides of the same coin. On the happiest of days, like a birthday, wedding or new baby being born, we cannot help but be reminded of those we wish were still near.

This is not meant to be morbid, quite the opposite; being utterly present with what is, it is undeniable how love does not exist without loss from a human perspective. Any and everything we love will be at some point lost to our human selves, in the most extreme sense one or other will eventually die, with so many other types of loss in between.

From a universal perspective there is no loss, and love is unlimited; we are all love and whether our relationships change or one of us dies, our love continues infinitely. But our sweet human selves struggle deeply with loss and grief, my understanding is that grief is love with no where to go. As we travel through this life, love and loss are going to be our carriage mates, without doubt. So how do we move through and integrate these experiences?

The only piece of advice I am going to share is this; FEEL YOUR EMOTIONS. Feel them all, let them exist in you, let them move through you, let them devastate you when you are devastated, let them lift you higher than you could ever imagine when you are joyful. I know how scary and painful it can be, and how much we might want to escape those feelings by abandoning and numbing ourselves. Brene Brown, excellent author and researcher, did a Ted Talk in which she talked about the extreme version of any emotion, good or bad, is what triggers addicts to fall off the wagon. Isn’t that interesting? That really feeling the depth of our love AND loss feels just as uncomfortable to us. Which is why we see alcohol as the societal norm for all happy and sad occasions; why people get so drunk at weddings and at funerals. Different sides of the same coin.

There is no judgement for numbing, we have all done it in some way or another, at times it may even be essential. However I have learnt that when we allow our hard feelings to truly be felt, at an appropriate time, it hurts but there is hope and connection, and when we suppress and numb our feelings there is despair and disconnection.

This subject is on my mind as I have lost a most beloved soul in my life recently. At his memorial I adapted a poem, of unknown origin, which I would like to share with you in the hope these words may soothe you too in times of grief….

Am always with you

When I am gone, release me, let me go. I am safe and happy, I want you to know. You mustn’t tie yourself to me with too many tears, but be thankful we had such wonderful years. I gave you my love and you can only guess, how much you gave to me in happiness. I thank you for the love that you have shown, but now it’s time I travelled on alone. So grieve for me a while if grieve you must, then let your grief be comforted by trust, that it is only for a while that we must part, so treasure our memories within your heart. I won’t be far away for life goes on, and if you need me call and I will come. Though you can’t see or touch me I will be near, and if you listen with your heart you’ll hear, all my love around you soft and clear. And when the perfect time comes for us to meet again, our hearts will whisper ‘I know you’ once again.

Your intuition will guide you to radiant health

 

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Can you think of a time you had a gut feeling about something and didn’t listen to it? What happened? Usually when we follow our intuition, our sixth sense or gut feeling, things work out, and when we don’t, they don’t work out so well. You can use this same inner GPS to make good choices for your individual health and wellbeing.

For years I followed strict nutritional plans, cutting out all sorts of food types, I even did a 7 day juice fast once! I felt awful at the end of it! I am all for cleanses and eating healthful food, however I was enforcing rigid, external structures onto my body and the results were not great. I was constantly having to monitor myself and felt like I was just a little bit heavier than I would like to be. I had to use lots of will power NOT to eat the dessert or the burger, so I often felt like I had piously made the ‘right’ choice, but also like I was denying myself.

Same goes for exercise, I would crowbar myself into exercise programs, force myself to do high intensity classes and move my body in a way I didn’t really enjoy. Now there is of course a time & place for discipline and commitment, I am a big fan. However there is another way to approach diet and exercise…

When I actively did the work to connect more deeply with my intuition, and chose to make my intuitive guidance a priority in my decision making, I discovered a sense of ease and enjoyment around staying healthy that I had never experienced before. For the last few years I have eaten, for the most part, exactly what I want, when I want. Same goes for exercise, I do the type of exercise that my body is asking for, not what the latest fad is. The result is I don’t even think about my weight, I am definitely slimmer than I used to be and I love wearing clothes to show off my figure.

By tuning into the wisdom and messages from my body I make choices that make me feel good and are good for me. Sometimes I really want the burger and the dessert, so that’s what I have, and I love it! But mostly my body wants clean foods, lots of vegetables and lean protein, because that’s what makes it feel good.

How can you use your intuition to benefit your health?

When I make choices about what to eat I think about the food, or look at it, and tune into my body, especially my stomach, silently asking it how eating/drinking this would feel to me. Would it feel light or heavy? Would it feel energising or draining? Would it make me feel nourished and satisfied, or not?

For example when socialising I used to drink wine, because that what girls do, girls drink wine and boys drink beer – right?! When I started listening to my body I realised my body likes beer, and not wine. Wine gives me a headache and makes me feel heavy in my body, whereas beer suits me much better. So now I don’t drink wine and I do drink beer. Same goes for drinking tea, I used to drink tea everyday because that’s just what you do, right? When I started listening I found my body very rarely wants tea, and when it occasionally does I have a cup and love it.

The voice in my head usually speaks first e.g. oh those brownies look yummy and sweet and I want one! So I give myself just a moment to tune in, how would I feel if I ate one now? (Not would I feel guilty, but how would I feel in my body.) Sometimes the answer is ‘I’d feel great’ so I have one and enjoy it, and sometimes the answer is ‘I’d feel high and then low and tired’, so I leave it.

The same goes for exercise, I very rarely do high intensity training anymore because it doesn’t feel good in the moment for my body, I love dance classes, yoga, walking, sometimes running, swimming, barre classes etc. I also know my body likes to move in lots of different ways, it gets bored and stiff if I do the same type of exercise over and over again. I prioritise listening to my body during my cycle, there are some days in the month when my body wants to rest and be gentle, and other when I’m raring to go and love a spin class.

As I said, this doesn’t mean I have thrown all discipline out of the window, it means I allow my intuition to be my guide within the structure of the health commitments I have chosen. I still set my alarm to exercise and would sometimes rather snooze it than get up and go to the gym. I still do cleanses for my digestive system, but I do them when I feel it’s right.

Not only does my body look and feel better than ever, I feel good about my health. I am not constantly second guessing and counting up all the things have consumed that day in order to work out how guilty I should feel, and therefore how long I need to train for the next day to balance the calorie intake. In fact I rarely think about it, it frees up space and time in my head and in my day to enjoy and relax and appreciate.

What I am not suggesting…

Doing research and being well informed about food choices, exercise and general health is wonderful – I am not suggesting you throw all scientific research and expert recommendations out the window. I am inviting you to create a moment of space to tune into your body, tuning into your intuition, to confirm what feels right to you in this moment.

Give it a try, start small and let me know how you get on.

Sending love xx

 

 

 

Be brave and have difficult conversations

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As I was planning to write this blog I was watching an IG live video from the one and only Brene Brown – what a superstar she is! (The quote above is hers). She was talking about her new book, called Dare to Lead. She was showing us the different elements of what it takes to be an exceptional leader, and they are; brave work, tough conversations and whole hearts – how perfect!

Now being a leader doesn’t necessarily mean being a leader of a country or a company, it also means being a leader in your life – leading yourself – being the one who designs your life, rather than allowing life to happen to you.

I’m so pleased Brene agrees that having difficult conversations is a key part of being a leader in your life. The difficult conversations we usually need to have are with our partners, our family, our friends and our work colleagues – not all at once hopefully! They are difficult because we care about the other person and sometimes it feels like there’s a lot at stake, e.g. having a difficult conversation with your boss could make you feel like your job is on the line, as you’re not just ‘towing the line’ and being a ‘yes (wo)man’.

Why is it so important to have these conversations? And to practice and be good at them? Because relationships are central to our lives, our sense of fulfilment and can lead us to feel wonderful, and terrible. It is important that we communicate our boundaries, our needs and our feelings in order for our relationships to be healthy and supportive.

I’m sure you’ve had the experience of not having a difficult conversation with someone close to you, putting it off because it’s awkward or uncomfortable, or both. As time passes your mind is chattering about ‘the thing’ and you start to build up a little resentment. Your mental and emotional space and energy is being taken up by all this noise, when it could be filled with possibility, imagination and inspired creation. Which would you rather?

So having the conversations clears that space for you, and it honours the other person by allowing them to take the part in the monologue that otherwise only happens in your head, or worse it becomes gossipy and judgey when you talk to other people about it. None of that makes you or the other person feel good, because just because you’re not saying it, don’t think they aren’t feeling the vibes you’re putting out.

As an Intuitive Life Coach I teach my clients a set of principles and steps to follow when preparing for a difficult conversation. Doing the preparation may seem laborious, however it will set you up in the best possible way to: a) get a good outcome from the conversation and b) have you both feeling loved and creating deeper connection, rather than separation.

The 2 main principles of having good, difficult conversations are:

  1. Vulnerability (another Brene favourite!)
  2. Honesty

As you are the leader of your life showing up to your difficult conversations being vulnerable is essential, it allows the other person to connect with you and a heart level which means they will much more likely hear you and not immediately jump to defensiveness. Honesty is crucial too because there is no point in skirting around the issue, or sugar coating it, as the message will not get through and the outcome will not be effective.

The steps to prepare your difficult conversation well – these steps are to be written out to get yourself very clear on what you’re saying and ensuring there’s no blame or shame:

  1.  Ask the other person for their permission to have the conversation, if now is not good, set up a time.
  2. Be vulnerable – how are you feeling about it? Are you feeling nervous or scared of the outcome? Embarrassed or upset?
  3. Say what you want to say – be kind and loving, no blame and shame, but also be clear and honest – don’t soften it so much the message is not received.
  4. Ask the other person if it made sense to them? Do they need you to explain anything.
  5. Allow them to talk – ask them how they feel? What their thoughts are and really listen…
  6. Repeat back their points and feelings – this is called active listening and it shows the other person that you have really listened and care about their side of the story.
  7. Ask for the outcome you would like and together negotiate a solution or plan going forward.
  8. Thank them for having the conversation.

Below is an example of how a difficult conversation plan might go:

Hey Sam, there’s something I’d really like to talk to you about, is now a good time?

I’ve been feeling very nervous about bringing this up with you because I feel silly and I’m worried about what you might think about me or how you might react. 

When we spend time together, or go on dates, it upsets me when you spend so much time on your phone. It makes me feel like you’re not having such a good time with me and maybe even find me boring. I feel like you’d rather be somewhere else, with someone else and that makes me feel sad and bad about myself. 

Does that make sense? 

(Sam talks…)

So you have got into the habit of checking your phone regularly at work because you need to respond quickly when issues come up, and you sometimes don’t even realise you’re doing it. You didn’t know it made me feel like that and don’t want me to feel bad. Is that right?

Would you be open to switching your phone off, or keeping it in your bag/ pocket, when are out together? I would really appreciate that.

Thank you so much for your openness in having this conversation with me, I feel so much better.  

Once you’ve prepared it’s time to be brave and go have the conversation, it will feel scary, so feel the fear and do it anyway. You don’t need to follow your plan word for word, none of us are perfect and there is no need to even try to be. Your unique way of expressing yourself, with vulnerability and honesty, is perfect and this tool will deepen your connections with those close to you, freeing up your energy and cultivating relationships to enable you to be a fabulous leader in your life.

Forgiveness is crucial to creating a life you love

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How do you feel about forgiveness? Are there still people and situations that you are holding to resentment about? How do you feel about forgiving yourself?

The path of consciously creating a life of full of freedom and love is a continuous process of manifesting and clearing: manifesting is reaching into the future, into your vortex, to summon your desires into your reality and clearing is removing the blocks and behaviours that are keeping you stuck. Forgiveness is a clearing practice, and not necessarily an easy one.

Can you imagine that your body and your mind can hold a limited number of ideas, memories and feelings, that your body and mind are split up into different compartments containing all these experiences, and how you feel about them. Now let’s think of a happy, positive time – how does it feel in your body? To me it feels light and bright like a bunch of fairies dancing about on a breeze. Now bring to mind a bad or sad experience – how does that feel? To me it feels like a brick, weighted down with a barbell tied up with a massive anchor – heavy right? Past resentments and feelings of guilt are just that, they are heavy and weigh us down.

We can release much of that weight by letting go of the resentment, we let go of the resentment through forgiveness. Allow me to add that forgiving someone doesn’t condone their behaviour, it doesn’t mean you have to like them or have anything to do with them, it’s actually not about them at all. It’s about you.

For me the biggest challenge in the practice of forgiveness is to forgive myself. I can quite easily see how others have caused me hurt and suffering as a result of their own pain and destructive tendencies. But shouldn’t I have known better? How did I let that happen? Often I need to forgive things I have done, or decisions I have made, which have only really hurt myself.

So how do we actually forgive others and ourselves? I suggest writing a list of people, situations and/ or organisations who you still feel hurt by or resentment towards, this is usually quite an easy list to make as these experiences stay relatively fresh in our minds (taking up valuable space that we want to fill with beautiful thoughts and dreams and images of unicorns :-)). Going over the list though may not be so easy, it may bring up some of those old feelings and stir up emotions you have buried. Give yourself some space and lots of love during this process.

You can take one thing from your list each day and sit with it, feel the emotions, perhaps you run through the series of events in your head. Now can you start to look beyond the impact it had on you for a moment and question what was toxic, what was in pain and what was suffering in that person (or yourself) at that time? Can you start to eek out a little compassion for what pain in the other (or yourself) precipitated the pain you then experienced as a result? As I said you don’t need to condone it, you don’t need to make it OK, you can forgive things that are absolutely not OK.

You can repeat to yourself: ‘I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you’. This process may take time and some resentments and past hurts will probably take numerous intentions to forgive before you are able to fully let go. Know that each step you take on this journey to forgiveness is clearing out heavy, negative compartments from your body, and from your energetic field, in order to make space for the good, happy and delightful to come in. It is not easy, but it is 100% worth it.

 

 

If I can get through it, you can too…

In this video I share a little bit of my story, some of the darker times, because I think it’s healing for us to hear how others have suffered and come out the other side an even brighter version of themselves.

This is super vulnerable, so I am very nervous about posting!! It feels like cutting a hole in my chest and revealing my beating heart. (OK, slightly dramatic!!)

It’s my intention that you will feel my belief in you and know that you can overcome whatever obstacle is in your path, and I am here cheering you on, my love.

Some of my favourite things…

Oh this is going to be so fun! I am so excited to share with you some of favourite people, podcasts, books and general awesome stuff to feed your soul and make you happy.

Lindsay Mack – Tarot for the Wild Soul 

Lindsay.jpgLindsay is a grounded, connected, trauma survivor and deeply healing tarot reader and guide. My most favourite of her offerings is her monthly tarot medicine podcast where she gives us a collective reading, including astrology, for the month ahead. It is deeply nourishing and I find myself listening to it again and again, especially when things are feeling tricky. She makes me feel held and like everything that we are going through and feeling is ok, is right and is for our highest evolution.

Sonia Choquette and Sonia & Sabrina Choquette Tully

ChoquettesThis family of awesome women (Mama and two daughters) have been my guiding light, teachers and biggest supporters on my journey to deeply connect with my intuition. They emanate deep love and lead by example in listening to and following their intuitive guidance. Not to mention they are fun, funny and master teachers and coaches.

Rob Bell’s podcast – The Robcast

dixon1-square.jpegYou may have seen Rob Bell on Super Soul Sunday with Oprah, he is friends with Liz Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love and is most excellent. He was the leader of what became a huge church in the US, but has since written numerous books, tours with his speaking events and hosts a podcast. He is somewhat of a controversial figure in American religious circles for his open, liberal and inclusive beliefs and way of interpreting the Bible. I LOVE listening to his podcasts on a weekly basis for his sermons (not like in church), his endless wisdom and interesting guests.

Jen Sincero – Author of You Are a Badass at Making Money

jen sincero.jpegI have listened to this audio book so many times! Jen is a writer and a coach, I love her style because she is very clear about the tools and steps to take to make money, she is an excellent story teller and she’s f**king hilarious! She says ‘If my broke ass can get rich, you can too!’ She has written numerous books on how to be a Badass in various areas of life and is generally someone to check out.

I could go on and on for a very long time listing my favourites!

I’ll leave you with these fabulous lot for now – enjoy – sending love x