I’m a keeper of sentimental things; cards, jewellery, photos etc. For me they hold the energy of the moment that was so special. At the end of a relationship lasting many years there are lots of ‘sentimental things’ to decide what to do with.
Do I throw out all my wedding photos? Do I get rid of the jewellery he gave me? All the clothes? Now that we’re apart have those things been hijacked by a sad and bad energy? These are the questions I ask myself as I’m clearing out.
Looking back over the loving messages in birthday cards, the looks of happiness and sweetness in photos bringing back the memories from the years shared (not all of them extremely happy, but all of them real) and I feel all over again – how is this possible? After everything, the promises, the vows, the ups and downs, the love proclaimed, how can this be the end? What was the point of it all? In my case this feeling I’m sure relates to the fact (in my mind) that nothing terrible or unforgivable happened at the end of my marriage – just his decision to live his life without me.
I’m sure this is a part of ‘letting go’ that I’m struggling with – honestly I’m struggling with the whole concept of ‘letting go’. Of course I want to, I’ve done and said so many things to try to create a letting go within myself. I want to move on, forget even and be happier than ever – but how? Can I leave this question unanswered and still effectively let go? Will time be the ultimate healer or will I feel some version of this forever more and just learn to live with it?
There are so many happy and wonderful people and things in my life now – by not being completely ‘over it’ does that mean I’m not appreciating what I have? There’s a lot of guilt and self blame around having these feelings.
It’s so important for each of us to remember that our experience and process is unique, it’s all ok. There is no right and wrong and it doesn’t matter what other people think or say – a huge proportion of the reactions of others is their own stuff projected outwards anyway. It’s ok to have questions, it’s ok not to know, it’s ok to have good days and bad days, it’s all ok.